life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
