I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
