I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
