mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
