Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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