Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
