Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
