You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
