my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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