I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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