he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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