his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
