You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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