You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
