I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
