What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
