apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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