so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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