I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize