I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
