I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
