Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
