i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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