I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize