I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize