you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
