I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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