im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
