I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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