Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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