to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
