It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize