I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize