I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
