When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
