I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
this will be a night to untag.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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