covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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