I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No subtext here. People are naked.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
