I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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