Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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