Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
