Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
