got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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