just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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