i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
