I wanna bring you to show and tell
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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