Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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