If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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