Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
