Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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