that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
