My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize