Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
