So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
