I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
