True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
