It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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