what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
