Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
