The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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