Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
is that a dick in a sweater?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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