remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
