After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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