u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
