absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize